Thursday, September 2, 2010

Buyer's Remorse

After leaving work yesterday afternoon for the last time in the foreseeable future (read: I quit.), I felt a little unbalanced. I can't turn off that part of my brain quite yet. Checking my work email had become part of my opening the computer routine.

The routine went something like this: Check Gmail. Check work mail. Check Facebook. Check blogs that I read. Check Gmail. Check work email. Do things I set out to do.

For the last three days, checking my work email was easy. I had whittled my emails down to zero, had already announced to the external people that I work with that I was leaving, and the internal people already knew as well. I was only getting a handful of emails a day for the last week, which gave me time to wrap up all of my outstanding projects. Still, it stung a little to click on the "M3 email" bookmark, type in my password without thinking, and have the screen tell me that my password is invalid. I felt a tinge of buyer's remorse. Buying something you can barely afford and being jobless both leave you with less money in the bank and wondering if you did the right thing. I don't think it helped that John is out of town for 6 more days.

As Wheel of Fortune played in the background (Insert John's groan and exaggerated eye roll here.), I thought through it a little more.  I've told so many people already and I'll say it again... it was hard to leave work because I worked for a company where I felt valued. I may not have been doing my dream job, but I enjoyed the people I worked with internally and externally; I worked well with my manager; I felt pride in my results; and I knew what I was doing. It wasn't new anymore. It was comfortable. Now, without my crutch, I'm left a little exposed, and I feel as though I've lost a bit of purpose.

When I got to that realization, I stopped for a minute. Ah ha! That's just it. I was finding my value in the wrong place. Though it's a little strange, I am thankful to be able to have this time out and get things back on track.

So, today is Thursday, the day after my last day. I still haven't removed my work email bookmark from all of my browsers. I still have to intentionally skip over clicking on it. It still hasn't fully sunk in that I no longer work at M3.

Today has been the perfect day after quitting. I have zero responsibilities other than to tend to LE. Like I said, John is out of town, which means I don't have to think about what's for dinner.  LE slept in until 7:05. Ok, actually she woke up earlier than that but thankfully she can entertain herself for about 30-40 minutes by taking out and putting back in her pacifier and just looking at the fan, her feet, and her hands. Then, she spent about 40 minutes playing on her play mat by herself while I had cereal, picked up, and got coffee going. She ate and then shortly thereafter we were both ready for the morning nap. Two hours later LE woke us up. We went through my computer routine sans work email. We spent way too much time reading blogs on everything from home management, to photography, to cooking. We played. We lounged. It rained a pretty rain. We had a photo shoot. We lounged some more. I ate chocolate chip multigrain pancakes with locally harvested syrup for dinner. LE took another nap. I blogged.

I still get little pangs of work thoughts here and there, but it's nice to know that that is all for someone else to worry about now. Look at the sweet face of the little love in the photo below. Who would trade their time with her for work if they didn't have to?

LE at 5 months and 11 days


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